nagachika | IC INBOX FOR HAVEN

...

[He's quiet a moment as Kaneki speaks, something like a weight lifting off his shoulders. Not having to say it outright was a little easier on his head, for sure. But waiting to see if the other would freak out was still another worry.

After a moment, he nods. Hands sliding to settle into his pocket as his smile shifts to something a little morose in nature.]

Yeah. I did. ...While ago, now, actually.
I've known since, well.

Touka saved us, you know?

[ The nod is all it takes for Kaneki to go numb, his arms limp and dropping to his sides in defeat. When Touka saved them? All the way from back then...? That time--almost a year ago? ]

You knew... You knew?

[ All along? Even when he was careful, even when he left to draw the CCG away from his friends, his life, everything--he knew. ]

All this time... All this time you knew, then what was I...--?

[ What was he trying to do? Why did he struggle on his own to keep everyone safe, to keep everyone in the dark, to keep everyone--to protect everyone who needed to be protected, to protect himself, to protect Kaneki from what Kaneki became and what Kaneki did to Kaneki did to Kaneki did to Kaneki did to protect from what Kaneki did to-- ]

You didn't--...! Why didn't you--...?

[ He's getting disjointed and nonsensical, his mind swimming in every direction at once. What is this, what's going on--he knew? ]

*[He could nearly see it in Kaneki's face. The way he stared, his eyes going wide; he could almost hear his thoughts snapping and crackling just under the surface. 'All this time you knew'.

Kaneki... really hadn't caught on at all. He had no idea. He really had no idea...]

Why didn't I say so? [His hand moves to rest on Kaneki's shoulder, his thumb pressing gently just up against the side of his neck. The hold is firm, but loose enough to be brushed off if the other doesn't react well to it.] I gave you more than enough hints, man.

Bringing up ghouls after class, showing off the books I bought... I was hoping you'd catch on and open up to me yourself. But... I guess it was really hard for you.

Or that you were protecting me from your ghoul buddies. Whichever it was... you were trying to keep me safe. Even if it was from yourself, right?

[ How was he supposed to know something like this? He'd been so careful for so long, and it was something like that that Hide caught on to? What has he even been doing all this for, if not to protect Hide from things like this?

He feels sick and dizzy, but Hide's hand helps keep him grounded. ]

Yeah... I thought maybe if I left, that you would be safe from the things I got dragged into... and the thing I turned into.

[ Half ghoul. Half kakuja. All monster. ]

Aren't you angry? Aren't you hurt? Aren't you disgusted? Aren't you ashamed? ... Aren't you afraid...?

[His hand doesn't once leave Kaneki's shoulder, his fingers, his grip, ever solid against the material of the others' shirt, making no motion of moving or shifting anytime soon.

There's a look in Kaneki's eyes, one that is almost dizzying for Hide to watch. But he won't idle; he won't let the other sink into this spiral that he believes himself in.]

You protected me this long, why would I be angry? And It'd take more than a few secrets kept from me to be hurt, Kaneki. You're always doing that sort of thing, keeping things secret to protect those around you from yourself. You did it back then, and you're still doing it now.

[A slight chuckle, and he shrugs his shoulder.] To be ashamed would suggest you've done something to purposefully shame me.

[A smile moves it's way over his features, his head tilting to the side.] And as if I could be afraid of you. Come on, it'd take more than you becoming part-ghoul for me to run away. Who do you think you're talking to?

[ God, he's been so wrong all along. What twisted part of him decided that this wasn't something he'd be able to tell his best fried? Of course Hide would understand. When has he ever not?

For what ridiculous reason did Kaneki ruin Kaneki for? ]

You really aren't afraid? You know I'm dangerous, right? You know what I... The things I have to... [ Consume, just to keep going. ]

[You didn't have to give up your humanity. You really didn't--there was always--and always wound be an anchor here. Even if it's just one.]

'course I know you're dangerous. It was pretty harrowing, having to watch you fight against Nishio-senpai while trying to play dead, you know.

...As for that. A change of diet, as grim as it is, ain't enough to make me stop liking you, Kaneki. It's not like you chose this.

That was--

[ Someone else. Someone weaker. Someone who almost killed Hide in the same breath he used to save him.

He goes quiet, swallowing hard, then puts a hand on top of Hide's. It seems like he's almost finished processing all this, and almost finished realizing all the completely unnecessary things he did in order to keep himself a secret. ]

You're sure it's okay? I won't come after you if you want to go. I've done a lot since then, and none of it has been good.

Sure. lots has happened. Bad things, worse things. They call you a really strange name at the CCG, you know. Gantai, something like that. Here I thought you were just trying to be stylish.

[A short laugh, a shake of his head.] Everything you've done. Good or not. Doesn't really hold anything against our friendship. So I'm pretty sure.

It's okay. Kaneki.

[ "眼帯", yeah he knows that name well... It feels more like his identity than "Kaneki" does.

These are words that are hard to hear though. Hide should be scared, because Kaneki is a wreck. He does bad things to bad people, and good people get caught in the crossfire. He hurts people who don't deserve to be hurt, and chaos follows him like his own shadow.

To hear things like this, he really does need it, but it's also just terrifying; he's too weak to let this relationship go, but he's too strong to keep it around without putting Hide in danger all the time.

He isn't strong enough to do anything here however, and instead of being proactive and optimistic, he puts a hand over his eyes so Hide can't see him tear up. ]

I'm sorry.

[He won't be able to see it, but Kaneki's apology is enough. That hand finally leaves the others' shoulder, but only to move to the top of the others' head. A small flick of fingers through silvery-white hair, before his fingers drop away.]

Apology accepted. [Like it's so easy. He wouldn't tell the other apologising was stupid, not when he really sounded like he needed to say it. But.] So should I also take this apology as a 'I promise not to run away and do everything alone' again, too?

[ He takes a deep breath, and it's strangely freeing. Hide knows he's a ghoul and Hide doesn't care. He'd been hiding it for so long, not having that burden on him makes his shoulders feel so light. What a relief... Even if he's putting Hide in danger just by being around him, it's still a relief. He can protect him better this way.

So, he stands back up straight, rubbing his face. ]

I promise not to run away.

[ That second one is a harder call. He's much stronger than most everyone else here, and a lot sturdier. If putting himself in danger alone saves other people the hurt, he'll do it without thinking twice. ]

IC INBOX FOR HAVEN

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