nagachika | IC INBOX FOR HAVEN

[There's something different in Kaneki's voice. Something he doesn't recognise; it's a steely sort of certainty that he nearly found startling.

Startling... but at the same time, it's a sound that's a relief to his ears. Whatever resilience Kaneki had found, Hide hoped it wasn't forged in fire.]

You were tryin' to protect me. Weren't you? [There's a calm sound in the blonde's voice, a resilience of his own. It's the reason why you've kept secrets from me, before.]

I'll listen. To everything. You've got my ear, for as long as you need it. I'm still here for you, even if this place can make it a bit hard.

I was trying to protect you. I tried so hard, and I did so many terrible things. I shut you out. I didn't want you to be at risk...!

[ His voice gets louder and more broken the more he goes on, and it doesn't sound like he's talking directly to Hide as much as he's babbling emotionally to himself.

He does go silent for a bit after trailing off, picking at his nails nervously with his teeth. Before he knows it, he's eaten off his fingertips. Shit. ]

I think this is something I should tell you in person. Do you want to meet me...?

[ There's a nervousness in that, like he's expecting the answer to be no. ]

[Kaneki's panicked, loud voice sets stone in the base of Hideyoshi's stomach, and his fingers grip his phone just that much tighter. Worry already flooding his mind, he wishes he was already in the others' company. Soon--he'd be able to see him soon.]

--Hey. Kaneki. Calm down. It's alright, right? You were protectin' me. You said it yourself.

[He'd already gone quiet, but it's the jagged uncertainty in the others' request that fills him with the need to reassure the other.]

Yeah. I want to meet you. It'd be easier that way, right. Just tell me where, and I'll be there, bud.

[ They're already growing back. He's a monster. How do you explain this to your best friend? He's already obsessively running over the words he will use to explain it. Halfway through his internal monologue he realizes he's made the whole thing up, and starts again from scratch. He doesn't want to lie anymore, not to Hide. ]

Where the well used to be...?

[ Somewhere open. Public. Somewhere where Hide can leave if he wants to--needs to--has to. ]

[He can nearly hear Kaneki's panicking over the slight silences before he responds, and the worry in his voice. ...His best friend really was messed up, wasn't he? His stomach felt like it was made of stone, but he answers with that same tone--positive, supportive.]

Where the well used to be there. I'll be there in no time at all; so don't keep me waitin' alright, buddy?

[A public place--one that was close to where he already was. After hanging up the phone, he takes no time in collecting up his headphones and jacket, heading to the spot the other had told him.

Upon approaching, the view of the other in the slight distance, he's already waving, an arm over his head--]

...Talk about a drastic change in hairstyle, bud. A new style you're trying out?

[ Kaneki arrives first. It's not the first time, and it definitely isn't a new skill of his; keeping people waiting isn't his style, and even though he knows Hide wouldn't mind waiting for a few minutes, the idea makes Kaneki strangely anxious.

So, he's early, and he gets to rile himself up in his own panicked tenseness for the few minutes it takes Hide to arrive after him. He considers running a thousand times, but he never ends up moving from his spot, and by the time Hide is waving him over, it's already too late.

He's committed to this now. ]

Ah, yeah. It was time for a change... [ Not by his choice, but it isn't a lie. It was time for a change. ]

[He responds with a laugh, reaching out to make a mess of the newly coloured hair, just like he always does. Maybe with the ulterior motive of seeing if it really was Kaneki's hair, and not just a wig the other was wearing to hide the fact he went bald or something.

...It was real. Weird, how perfectly snow white it was, too.]

...It's good to see you. [Finally, a tone that was a little more serious, his hands falling away after a moment.] I was worried like hell, man.

Edited 2015-03-03 03:26 (UTC)

[ It feels like eons since someone has touched his hair like this, and he forgot how much he missed it. It's comforting; feels like he's back home again, cramming for exams rather than wandering aimlessly thinking about the next time he'll need to eat.

The guilt is back with a vengeance though at the last comment, and he worries at the inside of his lip with his teeth. ] ... Sorry.

[ What else more can he say? "Sorry, I've been avoiding you for almost a month now, and I'm only here so nobody else tells you what I've been doing"? Pathetic effort. ]

...Hey. Keep saying sorry, and I'll give you a new haircut to go with this ridiculous new colour of yours. [An empty threat, but the way he reaches to tug on one of Kaneki's bangs is telling enough.]

We came here to talk, right? Apologisin' ain't getting either of us anywhere. [He drops his hand away from the others' face, returning it to his side as he gives the other a warm smile.]

Whatever you got to say, I'm here for it. Scolding you for bein' away so long can come later.

[ Right. They came here to talk. Apologizing over and over isn't going to serve either of them any good. Like Hide said: the scolding can come later.

But knowing that doesn't make the words any easier to get out. He wets his mouth, wets it again, looks away, looks back, looks away again, runs a hand through his hair, touches his face, rubs his neck, takes a short exhale--

God, he's dragging this out. ]

The thing is-- The reason why I disappeared-- I mean, even before that... Uh, a long time back--

[ This is going very badly. Where is he supposed to start from? ]

Hahah, I don't know where to begin...

[He's going to watch the other as he fusses for a while. That telltale touch to his face, his shuffling as he attempts to get his thoughts together--'where does he even start'?

It's normal; the way Kaneki moves; the same way he always tries to figure out a way to explain something without causing too much of a domino effect.

When he admits not knowing where to begin, Hide just smiles, the expression calm, his eyebrows furrowing. If he continued the role of the ignorant friend; they weren't going to get anywhere.]

'The reason why you disappeared'. We can begin with that, Aa? [A hand reaches back, fingers scrubbing against the back of his own neck.]

It was Aoigiri Tree's fault, right?

[ That's the beginning of the penny drop. Kaneki slows down, every motion and gesture of his coming to a freeze that leaves him standing static in place looking rigid and--guilty, as always.

Was it Aogiri's fault he disappeared? No, it was his fault, but-- ]

How... did you...?

How did you think the CCG found their hideout in the first place? Police are kind'a helpless on their own without blatant hints.

I followed around a guy who looked real suspect, and my hunch turned out to be right. I hoped by having the CCG crash the place down, that you'd show back up, but.

...I guess some plans don't work out quite so smoothly.

[Something of a weak smile.]

You became even scarcer after that.

I should have known you'd run rings around even their smartest.

[ Jesus. How blind has he been all this time not to know the kinds of things Hide was involved in?

More importantly--who the hell did Hide follow? He could have been killed.

He rubs his head, nodding slowly. He remembers disappearing after that too. He... had a lot to do. ]

Did you know I was there...?

[He smiles, the expression not quite reaching, once again.]

It was a little harrowing, but it was worth it in the end, I think.

And that's the thing.

[You should know this by now, Kaneki.]

I didn't know you were there.

I just had a hunch.

Turns out I was right.

Your instincts really are something to be feared.

[ He tries to keep his tone light, but he's having the same problem Hide is--it doesn't quite fit. ]

I was there. They came to Anteiku looking for me. I'm not sure how long I was there for, in the end... I lost track of the time.

Ehe.

I'll take that compliment and run with it. [It doesn't fit, mainly, because there's still one major fact missing; And that's Hide's complete awareness to Kaneki's 'Ghoul' status.

Have you figured it out yet?]

Makes me wonder why they'd drag you off. That was one thing I couldn't figure out, why the biggest ghoul organisation in Tokyo wanted you.

[Fingers scratch against his cheek, and he shakes his head. This is... the last chance he's giving Kaneki to figure it out; before outright telling him, he decides.]

[ He doesn't know. He was so, so careful.

Not for the first time throughout this conversation, Kaneki falls into a tense and guilty, heavy silence. He wets his lips twice before actually getting a word out, and though it would be easier if he were looking away or had his eyes closed, he doesn't start talking until he's actually looking at his best friend. ]

Hide...

[ It hits him then, a lot of things that don't make sense. He "had a hunch" that Kaneki was there, that Kaneki was connected to Aogiri? He hoped that Kaneki would come back once Aogiri was taken down? How did he know--how did he know Kaneki was involved?

The expression on Kaneki's face changes, and it's obvious he's changed the statement he was going to make into something else entirely.

Why else would anyone suspect that Kaneki was connected to Aogiri, unless-- ]

... You figured out why, didn't you?

...

[He's quiet a moment as Kaneki speaks, something like a weight lifting off his shoulders. Not having to say it outright was a little easier on his head, for sure. But waiting to see if the other would freak out was still another worry.

After a moment, he nods. Hands sliding to settle into his pocket as his smile shifts to something a little morose in nature.]

Yeah. I did. ...While ago, now, actually.
I've known since, well.

Touka saved us, you know?

[ The nod is all it takes for Kaneki to go numb, his arms limp and dropping to his sides in defeat. When Touka saved them? All the way from back then...? That time--almost a year ago? ]

You knew... You knew?

[ All along? Even when he was careful, even when he left to draw the CCG away from his friends, his life, everything--he knew. ]

All this time... All this time you knew, then what was I...--?

[ What was he trying to do? Why did he struggle on his own to keep everyone safe, to keep everyone in the dark, to keep everyone--to protect everyone who needed to be protected, to protect himself, to protect Kaneki from what Kaneki became and what Kaneki did to Kaneki did to Kaneki did to Kaneki did to protect from what Kaneki did to-- ]

You didn't--...! Why didn't you--...?

[ He's getting disjointed and nonsensical, his mind swimming in every direction at once. What is this, what's going on--he knew? ]

*[He could nearly see it in Kaneki's face. The way he stared, his eyes going wide; he could almost hear his thoughts snapping and crackling just under the surface. 'All this time you knew'.

Kaneki... really hadn't caught on at all. He had no idea. He really had no idea...]

Why didn't I say so? [His hand moves to rest on Kaneki's shoulder, his thumb pressing gently just up against the side of his neck. The hold is firm, but loose enough to be brushed off if the other doesn't react well to it.] I gave you more than enough hints, man.

Bringing up ghouls after class, showing off the books I bought... I was hoping you'd catch on and open up to me yourself. But... I guess it was really hard for you.

Or that you were protecting me from your ghoul buddies. Whichever it was... you were trying to keep me safe. Even if it was from yourself, right?

[ How was he supposed to know something like this? He'd been so careful for so long, and it was something like that that Hide caught on to? What has he even been doing all this for, if not to protect Hide from things like this?

He feels sick and dizzy, but Hide's hand helps keep him grounded. ]

Yeah... I thought maybe if I left, that you would be safe from the things I got dragged into... and the thing I turned into.

[ Half ghoul. Half kakuja. All monster. ]

Aren't you angry? Aren't you hurt? Aren't you disgusted? Aren't you ashamed? ... Aren't you afraid...?

[His hand doesn't once leave Kaneki's shoulder, his fingers, his grip, ever solid against the material of the others' shirt, making no motion of moving or shifting anytime soon.

There's a look in Kaneki's eyes, one that is almost dizzying for Hide to watch. But he won't idle; he won't let the other sink into this spiral that he believes himself in.]

You protected me this long, why would I be angry? And It'd take more than a few secrets kept from me to be hurt, Kaneki. You're always doing that sort of thing, keeping things secret to protect those around you from yourself. You did it back then, and you're still doing it now.

[A slight chuckle, and he shrugs his shoulder.] To be ashamed would suggest you've done something to purposefully shame me.

[A smile moves it's way over his features, his head tilting to the side.] And as if I could be afraid of you. Come on, it'd take more than you becoming part-ghoul for me to run away. Who do you think you're talking to?

[ God, he's been so wrong all along. What twisted part of him decided that this wasn't something he'd be able to tell his best fried? Of course Hide would understand. When has he ever not?

For what ridiculous reason did Kaneki ruin Kaneki for? ]

You really aren't afraid? You know I'm dangerous, right? You know what I... The things I have to... [ Consume, just to keep going. ]

[You didn't have to give up your humanity. You really didn't--there was always--and always wound be an anchor here. Even if it's just one.]

'course I know you're dangerous. It was pretty harrowing, having to watch you fight against Nishio-senpai while trying to play dead, you know.

...As for that. A change of diet, as grim as it is, ain't enough to make me stop liking you, Kaneki. It's not like you chose this.

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